Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bob Freeman's Parallel Universe

Here's a scene from Bob's delusional parallel universe where he actually wins the trustee election.  He's in a special meeting with the Department of Local Government Finance (DLGF) and the DLGF has a pressing concern with his management of the office.

DLGF:  Thanks for meeting with me Mr. Freeman at such short notice.  We would appreciate your civility and professionalism in discussing this delicate matter.

Bob:  I'm the most civil and professional person you'll ever meet.

DLGF:  Glad to hear that.  We've noticed that you've been burning through your budget at an incredible rate.  It's almost like you're trying to put out fires by throwing money on them.  At the rate you're spending on poor relief, you'll run out of money just 6 months into the fiscal year.

Bob:  Everyone knows you can't put out a fire by throwing money on it, unless of course you have a plane load of pennies.

DLGF:  Well, we disagree with what you're doing here.  Fire protection will be compromised.  You don't want to end up like Knight Township in Evansville.  As I'm sure you're aware, the Knight Fire Department had to be closed down permanently.  We assume you don't want that to happen here.

Bob:  Bite me!

DLGF:  Pardon me?

Bob:  You're all talk!  An asshole with a mouth!

DLGF:  Excuse me?

Bob:  You know, as dense as you are, it doesn't look like you quite know how to absorb the facts!  You're either too stupid or too stubborn to absorb the facts!

DLGF:  I'm quite aware of the facts.

Bob:  Show the proof wise ass!  You're a lying jerk!  Come on smart ass, show us your so-called proof or shut your trap!  Who are you really?  Mercman?

DLGF:  Who's Mercman?

Bob:  Or are you Jeff Barkes in disguise?  Tell me your IP address so I can incorrectly track it!  Just hope I never learn your real identity!

DLGF:  I have no idea what my IP address is.  I guess this meeting is over.  I fully intend to report your rudeness to my superiors.

Bob:  You are an idiotic monster bitch!  Good luck, Nimrod!

Six months later:
Bob:  You know, maybe I can sell all of the fire stations to get more money for poor relief!


Anonymous said...

That is great! Let's all pray that it is just BOOB’s dream and not our Knight mare. Does anyone have any horses for sale?

Anonymous said...

If Bob wins all the kings horses and all the kings men won't be able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Merc said...

I feel like I just walked into a time machine! All so totally believable, and I would bet money that this is not far off at all from what would actually take place. There's only one flaw in this scenario: Bob has never won an election, and he never will.

Concrete is his highest level of competency, and I'm sure even that's questionable.

Dude (NOT Jeff Barkes) said...

Note that I said Bob's delusional parallel universe, so fortunately, he doesn't win the election in our universe. :-)

Chris said...

maybe he will sell one station, have the buyer pay for it in pennies, so the other stations can use it as their budget, and be able to put out fires at the same time. I believe that he has probably taken his education in trustee knowledge from the Linda Durham handbook for trustee management.